Whenever you speak with a passive aggressive person, don’t you kind of want to hold them firmly and give them a good shake? A shake that screams “snap out of it!”. I know I do …
But oftentimes we’re in the office, so we can’t (or rather we really shouldn’t).
So what exactly is passive-aggressive behaviour? And if you find yourself with a person who exhibits such behaviour, how do you respond?
According to Long, Long & Whitson (2017), passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of expressing feelings of anger. A passive-aggressive person will often not exhibit resistance to requests or demands but their subsequent behaviour and actions will make it almost obvious that they’re not onboard with what has been agreed.
You will see procrastination, sullenness, stubbornness, back-handed compliments, and so on.
They do less when you ask for more (e.g. “that’s not my job”), they withhold information, use sick days inappropriately (just to avoid contributing to major projects), say one thing face-to-face but another thing via email.
You might notice that they use sarcasm to avoid difficult conversations, and they deliberately put off doing things (intentional inefficiency) to get back at you. Or maybe you find that they avoid you or give you the silent treatment when they are upset with you.
The list of credentials goes on.
It’s particularly annoying because you might not be sure what to say or how to interact. They’re effectively hampering any chance of open communication.
There are numerous reasons why someone could be passive aggressive. For some, it’s due to their upbringing. They might not have grown up in an environment where it was encouraged to express their emotions honestly and freely, and as such, might have deep-rooted fears of confrontation; or they might just be individuals who think it’s better to take the seemingly easy road by avoiding the strain that comes with being assertive and emotionally open.
How do you deal with such people, especially when you work with them?
1. Share how you feel
Some things a passive aggressive person does to vent their anger can actually be classified as manipulative punishment. Let them know how you feel (or how their behaviour is rubbing off on you).
You might be surprised that they could be unaware of their actions (and their consequences). Some might even stop just because you’ve reaffirmed that they have been able to get through to you.
2. Stay current
If you’re calling out someone on their behaviour, don’t rehash a list of all their past offenses and similar behaviour. Just try to tackle the specific instance that has led to that conversation.
Even though it’s likely that their behaviour isn’t a one-off, if you suddenly start going through all of their failures, this might back-fire and they might feel like they’re under attack and close up even more.
3. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements
This feels less accusatory when addressing the issue at hand, and goads the other person into being more empathetic. For example:
“I don’t feel adequately prepared going to client pitch meetings whenever you delay getting me the needed materials on time. It makes me feel less confident about winning the deal. It’s fine if you tend to work at a slower pace, but if a deliverable won’t be ready on time it would be nice to get enough notice in advance, as I could call in extra help”.
4. Don’t fight fire with fire
Some people suggest you avoid engaging with a passive aggressive person, but I disagree. For example, if you’re working on a group project and someone decides to exhibit silent treatment due to an earlier decision they didn’t like or agree with, I strongly advise against a “two-can-play-that-game approach” where you mirror their action.
It might feel fair or fine. That is, of course, until the project goes off rails because two people failed to be adults and communicate adequately.
5. Inform them of the macro impact of their behaviour
Research has shown that a passive aggressive employee, through their subtle acts of insubordination and resistance, can negatively impact department morale and productivity.
Let them know that in trying to defy one individual (or set of individuals), such as their boss, they are causing harm to a lot more people.
6. Don’t lash out
You can be direct with the individual and ask them useful questions to understand where they are coming from. But do this in a level-headed way to avoid adding fuel to the fire.
If you let your own emotions get out of control, it’ll just result in one more annoyed individual.
To avoid chances of you over-reacting, make direct communication with this individual very regular and timely. That way you do not end up building yourself resentment capital.
7. Set clear expectations
If you know a person you are about to start working with on a project tends to show passive aggressive behaviour, reduce the amount of grey areas in things such as deliverables, deadlines, and milestones.
Make it clear what they’re responsible for and what the acceptable level of results are. Reduce their room for excuses.
8. Create safe spaces for dissent
You might be triggering or enabling micro-aggressions if your leadership style is somewhat dictatorial and you don’t adequately factor your team’s opinions and feedback into decisions you make.
Even when people have controversial opinions on your decisions, you should still listen.
How do you do this practically?
It can be as simple and overt as having a weekly drop-in session where people can come in and see you one-to-one face-to-face; or you can choose to use an anonymized survey.
The channel for this two-way communication is up to you, but it should be there.
9. Recognize that some people will never change
If all your effort to get someone to be responsive isn’t working, pack your bags (figuratively speaking) and leave. All that energy could be spent productively elsewhere.
10. Consider suggesting (nicely) that they work with a therapist for counseling
As I mentioned earlier, passive aggressiveness is, to an extent, a form of emotional manipulation. It should be treated as such.
Good luck! 😊
Guest post by Akachi Obijiaku. Originally appeared on LinkedIn.