The subconscious mind is like a wellspring, bringing forth the water we drink. From the depths it comes, unseen, until it manifests itself on the surface. So, too, are our minds the wellsprings of our actions, of our perceptions, and many other aspects of our lives. Marcus Aurelius, Roman philosopher and emperor, wrote incessantly about the importance of thought and the dangers of misperception. And he, like most of us, had to deal with unpleasant people.

When we are wronged by others our anger and instincts tell us to respond, usually in an equally unkind manner–we take offense, and we become combative. But this, according to Aurelius, is not the proper way. He outlines well the very nature of this response.

“It’s not what they do that bothers us: that’s a problem for their minds, not ours. It’s our own misperceptions. Discard them. Be willing to give up thinking of this as a catastrophe . . . and your anger is gone.”

The moment we look into out own minds and stop the tangents of vengeful thought, we can better wrangle with the event. Most things that happen are not bad in themselves, or at least not as bad as we may think. It is how we think about it that determines the degree of disaster we attribute to it. Someone can lose a voucher and lose their minds, while someone else could lose a million dollar investment and not bat an eye. These two extremes are simply an example of the ability of all of us to separate ourselves from our immediate circumstances, think, and ultimately not let what happens affect us adversely. Not only this, we are saving ourselves a lot of pain, because negative emotions can be deadly–far more harmful than what actually happened.

“How much more damage anger and grief do than the things that cause them.”

Besides this, Marcus has some simple advice on anger itself.

“When you start to lose your temper, remember this: there’s nothing manly about rage. It’s courtesy and kindness that define a human being–and a man. That’s who possesses strength and nerves and guts, not the angry whiners.”

Frank talk indeed.

Our thoughts determine our actions and reactions, and as students of life we are obliged to control what would otherwise have us acting poorly in the face of any and all adversity. Far better to stand tall, wit dignity, and show kindness even in the worst of times, for the antidote for unkindness, as Aurelius said, is kindness.

Ultimately, it is up to us to do this:

“To stop talking about what the good man is, and just be one.”

Let’s go do it.