“God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.”
Voltaire
***Any and all sensitive and identifying details and patient information have been removed or altered with respect to privacy***
I have not stood by watching as strangers did CPR on my son. I have never had a child, let alone had the misfortune of outliving one. I have not watched a helicopter land to take my spouse to a trauma center after a terrible accident.
I have not stared at the smoldering, gnarled pretzel that ten minutes ago had been my classic sports car, wondering what would have happened had I not decided against taking my son on the drive with me today.
I have not yet grown old. I do not need help to get out of bed or change my clothes, nor must I walk around with a urinary catheter or a PICC line or a peritoneal dialysis catheter.
I have arms, legs, eyes, and have not had to manage living without them. I have never had a heart attack, or a stroke, or sepsis, or debilitating mental illness.
I have not had to help my wife gather her things before she leaves home one last time on her way to a hospice, nor have I left home knowing I am going to another place to spend my final days.
But I have been with people who have, and I have had the responsibility, the privilege, to care for them during some of the most vulnerable moments of their lives — often in the tight spaces of a moving vehicle. It is rare that I ever return from work without being humbled in some way, without learning something new, or without realizing something I, in my relatively comfortable life, have taken for granted.
If there’s one thing I have gained during my relatively short time as a paramedic, it’s a little more perspective — on living, dying, and what really matters in the end.
Life is learning, and though these are lessons I see more as reminders of what we already know more than anything new, in my experience, they’re always worth repeating.
1. Health is Wealth
The gentleman we were called for had a beautiful home right on the waterfront. Under the blue sky, it reminded me of an Italian villa. Out on the water, a lovely sailing boat bobbed at the dock, and everywhere I looked things were orderly, tidy, and pristine. When I was with the patient on route to the emergency department, I complimented him on his lovely home. He started crying.
“All my life,” he said. “All my life I worked my ass off to get those things, and now I’m too ill to enjoy any of it.”
While I did my best to console him, inwardly I could not dispute it. This man could not walk or take care of himself, let alone sail on those blue waters ever again.
* * *
As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, the first wealth is health indeed. So let me ask you . . .
- Can you get out of bed yourself, dress, eat, and go about your day without assistance? You’re pretty damn wealthy.
- Can you travel without worrying about some chronic condition putting you in the hospital in a foreign country? Guess what, you’re rich.
- Can you play sports, walk a forest path, run full tilt, and climb thirty flights of stairs without taking a breather? That’s right, you have a fortune.
- Can you see the faces of your family and friends? Hear their voices? Clasp their hands and hold them in your arms? You have something priceless.
Health is a wealth that the young seem to take for granted and the old seem willing to pay fortunes to get back. Without it, what do you have? Even if you have money, fame, fortune, and all the toys that come with it, how much good do they do you if you’re too sick to enjoy them?
While economic wealth is essential, health is something money cannot always buy back, and yet many so-called hustlers are willing to sacrifice their health to make money. Many millionaires would pay a fortune to have their health back, and yet so many people are giving up their health in order to earn millions.
Treat your health like the fortune it is. Make daily deposits into your health account — eat well, exercise, sleep right, meditate, do whatever you have to do to ensure that you’re being a faithful steward of the fortune you were born with, because you only get it once.
2. These Four Things Matter Most in the End
This elderly lady was having a STEMI — a serious heart attack. We had placed defibrillator pads on in the event that she went into cardiac arrest. She knew what was happening. She understood, perfectly in her own mind, as sharp as a tack. Yet she smiled so much.
“I’ve had a wonderful life,” she told me. “Such a wonderful life.”
As my partner took us to the PCI center, all our interventions done, I monitored her condition, and we talked. She talked about her husband, whom she had been married to for over twice as long as I had been alive, and how wonderful their marriage had been. She spoke about her work as a teacher, how she loved her students, how helping them and teaching them and being part of their journeys inspired her. She talked about her children and her grandchildren, the travels she took, the places she had been, the adventures and the challenges, the baking she was famous for at family dinners, and the little things that moved her heart.
Not once did she talk about money. Not once did she mention possessions. When I asked her if she would have done anything differently, she just smiled and said no.
* * *
While you might say that this lady had a very positive mindset, or had it good, or was lucky, the point still remains. While money is important, it is important only to an extent, as research has shown. Likewise with possessions. Beyond a certain point, do they really make life complete? Sure, they can be fun, but what I have learned from so many elderly people at the ends of their lives, there are four major areas that mattered most:
These, based on my observations, form the zest of life. The experiences we have, the things we accomplish and can be proud of, quality relationships, and making sure that our lives contribute to a better world.
What experiences have you had? What adventures warm your memories? What simple moments stand out amidst the years? What achievements have you accomplished against incredible odds? What is your Magnum Opus? Who do you love? Who loves you? What about those crazy things you did with your best friends? Or that stranger you met by chance? What have you given to others? What legacy will you leave behind?
I am not saying that money does not matter. It does. But while money can purchase experiences and opportunities, and while achievements can include monetary and material ones, fortunes are not absolutely mandatory for living a full life. What is mandatory? A heart open to life, a generous, loving human heart that during the span of its life gives as much if not more than it takes.
In the words of Emerson again:
“Successful people live well, laugh often, and love much. They’ve filled a niche and accomplished tasks so as to leave the world better than they found it, while looking for the best in others, and giving the best they have.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
And please don’t forget that some of the best things in life are absolutely free.
3. One of the Greatest Tools You Have Is Your Word
We were called for an individual who had threatened multiple times to commit suicide. When we got there, we met this person on her porch. She was cooperative. She wanted to go the hospital. She wanted help. She knew she needed it. What did I do most of that call? Talk. This was not a physiological concern so much as a psychological one. So we talked, and the more we talked, the more that came out, often with tears. We see it all the time: depressed people who suffer the double insult of being alone, with no one to talk to, or worse, being surrounded by people who don’t really listen.
* * *
A large chunk of any patient care profession is just that: talking. Communication is one of the most important life skills you can develop. Your words can convey so many things to others: love, gratitude, ideas, hope, caring, empathy, humor, information, and so on.
Words are potent, and as Robin Sharma said, words can inspire or they can destroy, so choose yours well.
The popular saying goes: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” While it means well, it is off the mark: words affect you, period. Your words can pull someone out of the darkness — or push them into it. Use your words for good. Your words can not only change lives, but save them too.
4. Do Not Take Life for Granted
We were on our way back to base one evening when we got diverted for a man having difficulty breathing. Halfway to the scene, we got an update that he was vital signs absent. When we arrived the fire department was on scene doing CPR while the family stood by watching in a daze. We set up our monitor, analyzed, and ran the call from there. An advanced airway was placed, a line started, drugs were pushed. Nonetheless, we could not get him back.
After a rapid transport to the emergency department, the patient was further worked in the resuscitation room, with no success.
That evening he was pronounced.
He was only in his twenties.
* * *
This was the first time I witnessed the death of someone younger than me, and it reminded me of something that the young — and everyone for that matter — should keep in mind. We are not invincible. We are not immortal. Death plays no favorites. The stoic philosopher Seneca aptly said that where death is expecting us is something we cannot know, so for our part, we should not take today, or tomorrow, for granted.
Life is a beautiful, delicate gift. Whoever you are, no matter your age, no matter how healthy you are, do not take it for granted. Take every day for what it is: a precious gift. Really understand that — and then get busy living, with each day treated as the priceless responsibility that it is.
While it’s important to dream as if you will live for a long time, it’s also important to live each day as fully as if it were your last — because one day, that will be true.
5. Care for Your Mind as You do Your Body, Because Not All Wounds are Visible
I didn’t go into work thinking that, eight hours into the twelve hour shift, I’d be beside myself crying. No one does. But it happens. We never know for certain what we’re getting into, what will affect us personally, what will hit a sensitive spot, or what will trigger a reaction. Such was the case for me.
I remember having a million-and-one thoughts that were not helpful, those gut reactions and emotional impulses that lead to poor decisions. I knew what my mind was doing. I knew what was going on. The signs were there. I needed to step back. So I called my supervisor and straight out said: “I need a moment.”
That was the first step in the right direction.
* * *
Mental health is often invisible if you do not know the signs. That means your own mental health as well.
We often take obsessive care of our bodies. Why not our minds? Everything begins with thought, and the wondrous tool at the heart of it is your mind. Do you keep track of it? Do you know the warning signs? Do you actively take measures to mitigate stress? Do you have a system? A plan? Most people do not — yet no one can afford not to keep running tabs on their mental state.
Mental illness can hit anyone. In Canada, for example, 1 in 5 people experience a mental health problem or illness in any given year, and with the pandemic and the consequences of lockdown strategies, that number will only go up.
Personnel in military, firefighting, emergency medical services, law enforcement, and other high-risk fields are trained on a variety of systems to monitor mental health.
- We must keep track of where our mental state is.
- We must develop a skill that we can take out at any time and use to effect even in the thick of things.
Using something like the Mental Health Continuum Model makes you more aware of signs of deteriorating mental health. By knowing these, you can readily check in on yourself and be more cognizant of when you’re slipping into reactive states, and therefore better equipped to use self-care tools and reach out to others. As an example, we use the one developed by the Mental Heath Commission of Canada.
Know your “green” zone, and know the signs that you are sliding out of it — and some simple tools to re-center yourself and counteract the physiological effects of stress, such as tactical breathing, positive self-talk, visualization, and mental rehearsal, all of which are well-studied tools for performance enhancement.
Develop an awareness on your mental health, and equip yourself with tools to manage it. You have one body, and one mind. They are linked. Take good care of both. You can’t afford not to.
6. Never Underestimate the Power of Human Touch
In university, one of my professors — who is actively involved in the biotech and artificial intelligence fields — once told me that while technology can and will replace many of the aspects of medical professions, there is one thing that cannot be displaced: true human touch. In my work as a medical professional, I see that personally — in the patients who ask me to hold their hand because they are scared. It matters. It makes a difference.
* * *
The power of human touch is not to be taken lightly. It is one of your most powerful and natural gifts — and is arguably the first language you learn. Touch is integral to human development and healthy relationships.
“Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language and the last, and it always tells the truth.“
Margaret Atwood
An excellent example of this would be preterm newborns, with studies showing that as little as three 15-minute sessions of touch therapy each day for 5–10 days resulted in 47 percent more weight than premature infants who received standard treatment.
Touch signals safety, trust, love, passion, and so many other things. Compassionate human touch — it doesn’t have to be sexual, or even very intimate — lowers stress hormones, stimulates the vagus nerve, and triggers the release of oxytocin. The right touch, at the right moment, can make a surprising difference in a person’s life. And even if you cannot change what is happening, even if the end is certain, one of the best medicines is a hand to hold — a human hand.
7. Pretty Much Everyone is Struggling, You Just Can’t See It
It was one of the most expensive condos in the area, top floor, beautiful lobby, guarded 24/7, it gave a vibe of exclusivity and affluence — and yet when we knocked on the door, found it unlocked, and heard a muffled voice call us in, it was like walking into a slum.
The place was overflowing with garbage, boxes, and the stench of cigarette smoke and urine, and it was downhill from there. From the outside looking in, it may seem like everyone who lived in these lofty condos had it all figured out, but that’s not the truth. Nothing is as it seems on the outside, and everyone is going through something you cannot see.
* * *
I have seen it in poor communities and gated communities, in condos and suburb mansions, in people driving beat up Hondas and others driving gleaming Porsches. Everyone is going through something, no matter who they are, no matter how wealthy, no matter how “successful,” no matter how much they have “arrived.”
Remember that for the people you cross on the street, for the people you are inclined to judge or look down on or resent. We are all human. We are all struggling. We are all trying — and often failing — to be happy. My advice? Be kind, and seek first to understand rather than to be understood.
8. Life Is Still Beautiful — And Meaningful, If You Search Hard Enough
Throughout the last few years there have been many moments that caught me by surprise, and I am happy to say that most of them were beautiful. You can see it in the joy of a new mother, in an elderly couple still behaving like newlyweds after sixty years together, in the sun rising after a night shift, in the eyes of an old man who shares the story of his life, in the quiet snowfall in the early hours of a winter morning, in the letters of gratitude, in the incredible strength people show in the hardest of times, in the camaraderie with those who follow your calling, and in the precious moments shared with the human beings who put their trust in you — that life, despite everything, is beautiful.
* * *
Despite its hardships, life is beautiful, and if you can find it there is something worth fighting for. That may sound like idealism, and so what if it is? Cynicism is a poor alternative — as Caitlin Moran said, cynicism is truly cowardice. Viktor Frankl, holocaust survivor and author of the iconic Man’s Search For Meaning, once said that the meaning of life is to give life meaning. I will tell you, there is meaning to be found, and beauty too.
Life is hard, life is not fair, life will hurt you, life will test you, but it is still beautiful, it is still worth living. So stick around for a while. Keep living. Chances are it will be worth it.
Life Is Learning
“As long as you live, keep learning how to live.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Life is learning, and learning how to live well is one of the longest, most challenging, and most rewarding journeys you can ever embark upon. These are just a few things I learned — and re-learned — by virtue of one of my crafts. And that’s the beauty of living: we learn from others, we learn from ourselves, we live and we learn.
So keep living, and as Seneca so aptly said, keep learning how to live.
(Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash)
(Article originally published on Mind Cafe)